My head is spinning.

My heart is racing.

How do you stop? The voices inside your head. How do you make the thoughts be quite? When did they become something to fear?

Breath. Just breath.

Panic. Run? Where?


Right to the reason. That doesn't make any sense.

So many time we find our lives are not quite what we had planed them to be. That the person looking back in the mirror; isn't the one we'd thought we'd see.

Insted of living we find that we are only serviving. Serving all that we had lost or what has been taken away. We fight to keep our strength and feel week by the prosess.

Those who are close to us we think will never truely know their meaning. But they are the ones who keep us sane. They are the ones who hold us up when we feel we can't go on. To realy on them can sometimes make us feel week. But we are not. We are loved.

I'm am very lucky.

...what to do. Do what you know.

I know it may sound stupid. But when ever I feel bad Harry Potter can make me smile. Even if it is only for a moment.

As a kid the Harry Potter books and movies became my safe place. Nobody would bother me if I was reading or watching a movie in my room. Now a bit later in my life. It still gives me a little bit of that comfort.


Skweek

What do I do now? How do I walk away numb? NUMB!? As if it is even possible at this point. I go to meetings for the shit I dealt with from him. I at one point built my life around the pain I felt because of him. Running from myself and the past that still haunts me. I thought I was getting better. All I need is the sight of him and I'm weak. Broken.

I guess its true what they say. When it rains it pores. Well fuck me! I can't seem to catch a break.

When it comes down to it. Life is the biggest bitch I will ever encounter.

People die. Some never go away. Some put you down and can't even see it. Some don't give a fuck how you feel.

This is normally where I say I give up.
But I can't . I can't give in. I can't give up. I just can't.

I want to. I don't want to hurt like this anymore. But I just can not give in.

Megan Hart ( http://www.meganhart.com ), is hanging out with us today. And as always we are having some interesting conversations. So the question of the day is...


Is it cheating if you never physicaly touch?

Everything that I never had. That I want. That I tasted and can not have. Comfort. Passion. I miss...
What I feel I am not worthy of.

I slept almost all day today. Yesterday was interesting I guess. I went to lunch with my parents. To then make plans to see a movie with them later that night. In between there I took Ivy (my ex room mate) to Walmart. Got a shower to get ready for the night. My parents and I went to see Hancock. I didn't love it but it was good. Then I made my way to Nikos where I decided to get drunk. I had a blast. And I really needed a good night of being out. Thing just feel like there always messing up. I don't feel like I can get ahead. I wish I was working instead of sitting at home trying not to spend money. Or I go out and spend money I shouldn't be spending. I would rather be working. A weekend of this is fine. Its like a mini break. But a whole week just gets to me. I feel like a bum. The rest of the world keeps going as my world gets put on hold. So you try to fit every thing you don't normally get to do. For me it gets to be family time with the ones I don't want to see that often. In the past four day I have seen my mother three out of the four. And I must say it blows. Four more days to go. Its only the half way mark.

Today I spent some time with my boy before he went to work. Played on the internet like I seem to do a lot now. Re did my Myspace. Well I added some things. I am now going to get ready to go get food with my Grandma. I think she misses me. Then I will most likely come back to my computer to play until Ivy gets off work. I get to have a girls night with Ivy and Shanda tonight! That makes me happy.

I didn't clean anything today but I could always work on that when I get back from food. I think that should be my plan. We'll see...

Oh I re watched the movie Jerry Maguire. Its up in my top 20 now.

Well thats all for the moment. Possibly more later. Who know what my Grandma want to talk to me about and I might need to vent. LOL

Skweek

Lets see I slept in till about 11:00. Took a shower and spent the rest of the time on the internet reading Harry Potter Fanfiction. Well until my mother called me. I went to lunch with her around 1:15. We decided to go to the Irish place down the street. I came back home and washed some of the things for the studio. I painted more of my apartment and cleaned some more of the closets out. I still don't have them done. But I have plenty of time on my hands now it doesn't all need done today. I hate not being busy. I hate not working. But yes to my wonderful job there are some things that suck. I don't always get to go traveling. Which means I get to stay at home in Lebanon and find things to entertain me. I have decided that the awesome service of LiveJournal is going to be one of them. So beware for the next week I may ramble more often. (Like every day if I need to. LOL) I will most likely post more later. If not I found something else to entertain me.


Skweek

Heather,

I freaking love you. Thank you for all that you've done for me. And all the times you have lent an ear when I felt I had no one to talk to. Your amazing! Never forget that.

Love you bunches! And again Happy Birthday!

You ROCK!


Love you,


Sara

Everyday I'm some one new. But still effected by who I was yesterday.
Today I'm hopeful. I feel alive. And I pray nothing takes that away from me.
Not today at least.

Some of my friends asked me how I can work so much?
We had two weddings this weekend. I didn't really get to see anyone.
Instead I watched other people living their lives. Taking on a new phase in their lives.
It was one weekend no big deal. And every where I go I meet new people.
What my friends don't understand is that some times I need a brake from my social life.
Some times it's nice to step into someone else's. To meet people you never would have if not for
taking that brake.


Well that's all for now.


Hope you all have a good day.

I'm so tired today. I need to start going to bed earlier. My mind is so busy at night. I can spend all day not thinking about things that upset me or piss me off. But then at night I analyze everything. I've tried reading books or watching a movie. Then while I read the book or watch a movie I'm thinking and dissecting all. Nothing is spared from my mind. Any ways its weird.

Hope you all have a wonderful Sunday. Its soon time to work. <3

Interesting what life throws at you isn't it?